Modernising the Bible and Shakespeare

“At the same time a pigeon flew down and perched on him. Jesus took this as a sign that God’s spirit was with him.” I have been enjoying extracts from John Henson’s modernised translation of the New Testament in which St Peter is called Rocky and John the Baptist is the Dipper. Since Dr Rowan Williams has given his backing to the new version we may confidently expect young catechumens to appear in flocks, under the inspiration of the holy pigeon. Meanwhile I think we should do our bit for Shakespeare too. With the help of my young granddaughter and her friends, who gave me a technical check, I am starting with Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day.

 
Shall I compare you, babe, and check your mug
Against a well-rolled joint or crate of booze?
You’ve got the edge on every kind of drug,
And all the beer I drink I’m sure to lose.
The dope now seems to leave me wanting more
And even mainline shots have lost their power,
While speed goes slower than it did before
And ecstasy lasts less than half an hour.
But you’re so hot I’m going to tell them all:
You’ll never lose those boobs or foxy smile;
Because I’ll paint your picture on a wall
I reckon you’ll be round for quite a while.
  So long as all the cats eyeball the view
  So long this spraycan will give life to you.

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